NOTE: This story is written as an antidote to Voltaire’s Candide. If you’ve read it, you’ll know what I mean.
Professor Thunderstruck was a philosopher of note. As he walked down the street he turned to his pupil, Arnold, and said: ‘Now, young man, we are told that the streets are cruel and vicious. I disagree. If we take the chance, it is perfectly reasonable to meet a thoroughly nice chap anywhere.’
Arnold, a pessimist by nature, was inclined to disagree.
But it was intrinsic to the professor’s philosophy that optimism was alive everywhere in the world if we only looked for it. Hence, Thunderstruck walked over to a teenager stood on the corner and said: ‘Hello, young man, I’m delighted to meet you. Can we be your friends?’
As you can imagine, the youth was somewhat taken aback by this greeting. But as he had nothing else to do, he said, ‘yea, man,’ and he, Thunderstruck and Arnold went walking off down the road, chatting.
Several hours later, as night began to descend and shadows filled the streets, five youths with knives ran out from an alleyway and knifed the youth to death.
‘And what optimistic message can we gain from this?’ asked Arnold as he looked down at the blooded corpse.
Immediately ready for his young pupil, Thunderstruck said: ‘The philosopher, Nietzsche, said man is always governed by a will to power. And in being powerful, he places his rules on the world, making the others follow his knowledge. Here we have a perfect example of one group trying to impose their will and knowledge on others.’
‘That’s all very well,’ said Arnold. ‘But what’s optimistic about that?’
‘Simply that when the majority speaks, they easily impose their will on those who did this. And with such an unspeakable crime as this, the majority will be outraged, demand a public inquiry, and the youth will become a symbol against oppression.’
The next morning, whilst he sat at the breakfast table, Arnold read about yet another Member of Parliament who had had been caught with his pants down and lying to cover up the deed. Turning to Thunderstruck, he said: ‘But how can you be optimistic about our politicians? They’re all corrupt sex maniacs, are they not?’
Thunderstruck read the report and had to agree. But rather than accepting this, he decided to prove his philosophy by immediately writing an article decrying this particular lying cheat, attempting to become a symbol of the majority himself.
‘We find against the litigant,’ said the foreman of the jury a couple of months later.
‘So how does your philosophy hold up after being successfully sued and declared bankrupt?’ asked Arnold.
‘Kant asked us to consider before doing a particular act what the world would be like if we all did it.’
To which Arnold scratched his head and said: ‘So what?’
‘So I can feel optimistic that I’ve stood up for Kant’s morality, for if everybody did what that politician did, the world would be anarchy.’
Thunderstruck thought then and added: ‘And I can be optimistic in knowing that I’ve done my bit to highlight the importance of the idea, and bit by bit the message will get over and this government will be out.’
Satisfied that he had proved his point, that night Thunderstruck celebrated with a prostitute and had unprotected sex. Three weeks later he held the result in his hand.
‘Yes, Arnold,’ said Thunderstruck, ‘it appears I’m HIV positive. ‘
Delighted, Arnold smirked: ‘And how can you be optimistic about that?’
‘I can be optimistic in knowing I’ve broken Kant’s morality and paid the price; I can be doubly optimistic in also knowing that from now the remainder of my life can be true to what I believe. ‘
Arnold considered those words to be so much crap, and was about to say so when the train they were travelling on came off the rails and crashed. Arnold and Thunderstruck found themselves surrounded by mutilated bodies and appeared the only ones alive except for a severely injured gentleman clinging for life, but blocking the only conceivable escape route from the carriage.
‘I suppose,’ said Arnold, ‘you’re going to say that this accident is fortuitous if we manage to get that poor fella out.’
‘Nothing of the sort,’ replied Thunderstruck. ‘For it is patently obvious that just moving the fellow will break his spine and result in immediate death.’
‘So we’re trapped as well.’
Thunderstruck shook his head. ‘Oh, Arnold, Arnold, always the pessimist.’ He brushed some dust from his jacket. ‘Bentham believed that a just society was one that aimed for the greatest happiness for the greatest number, and we should always have this ideal in mind.’
‘And how does that help us today?’
‘Quite simple, my boy. If this gentleman remains unmoved, three of us die. If we move him and get out, society is all the happier for just losing one.’
Arnold, to be sure, could not feel optimistic about such an act, but life was precious and the man was moved and Arnold and Thunderstruck survived and Arnold was riddled with guilt and Thunderstruck was happy in the optimism of the truth of philosophy.
Two weeks later, Thunderstruck was reading the paper when he suddenly exclaimed: ‘Good God!’
Intrigued, Arnold said: ‘What’s the matter?’
Thunderstruck threw the paper at him. Arnold looked at the indicated report of a prostitute murdered by a serial killer. ‘That woman,’ he said. ’she’s the one who gave me HIV.’
‘So at last,’ said Arnold, ‘you’ve really got reason for optimism.’
Disgusted, Thunderstruck said: ‘Revenge would never enter my mind.’
Suitably chastised, Arnold said: ‘So tell me, if not revenge, how can you be optimistic about this?’
‘I can feel optimistic in that such acts show us clearly another great truth of philosophy, which, if realised, could lead the way to banish the world of the serial killer.’
‘How so?’
‘Descartes understood that man needed an absolute axiom, or self-evident truth, in order to build his knowledge of the world. Without this, man is nothing. Which can be easily applied to the serial killer who, lacking self worth, is nothing. His acts therefore become a means to validate himself in the world.’
‘I see,’ said Arnold. ‘So what you really mean is the serial killer is saying, I kill, therefore I am.’
Thunderstruck sniffed. ‘I suppose you could put it like that,’ he said, and then descended into a mood which was only broken some time later when a comet struck the Earth and obliterated 80% of mankind.’
Following the tidal wave that drenched the Earth, the blast that incinerated a continent, and the freezing winter which followed the blocking out of the sun, Arnold said: ‘So tell me, Prof Thunderstruck, how can you be optimistic about this?’
‘Quite easy, my boy,’ said Thunderstruck. ‘Even in the face of the greatest adversity, a philosopher of the great standing has survived. Which means mankind will not descend to
a new Stoneage, but, through my knowledge, will go on to build again a great world.’
Which sadly wasn’t to be as, shortly after this conversation, Thunderstruck moved from HIV positive to full-blown AIDS.
‘I’m dying,’ he said as his wizened body became riddled with tumours. ‘I’m afraid I have to admit that I’m dying.’
Ever one to prove a point, Arnold said: ‘And what possible good can come of that?’
Thunderstruck looked into the eyes of his pupil and said: ‘Perhaps the greatest optimism you will ever feel.’
‘Meaning what?’
‘You are free from the crap I speak.’
(c) Anthony North, January 2008
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