There once was a poor speculator who, no matter how hard he tried, just could not pull off enough deals to make himself rich. However, he did have a beautiful daughter who was so clever that he told his multi-national boss that she could literally spin gold. For a long time the Boss thought this was mere spin, but after a while he decided to put the girl to the test. Hence, one day she found herself locked in a mergers and acquisitions chamber with nothing but computers and phones for company. ‘And you cannot come out,’ said the Boss, ‘until you’ve made me fantastically rich.’
The daughter was worried by this because she knew that her father’s claims WERE all spin; and even the Prozac didn’t help her growing depression. But at this point a strange little man walked into the chamber and said: ‘For twenty per cent of the profit, I will spin so well that I will make gold.’
The girl agreed, and so the little man sat down at a desk and spun fantastically on the phones, buying this company and merging that until he amassed a fantastic fortune.
Thanking the little man, the girl phoned the Boss, who was most pleased with what she had done. However, having an instinct for gaining wealth, and a greed even bigger than his instinct, the Boss locked her in the chamber again and told her to make him even more money.
The girl popped another Prozac and wished that the little man was still there, whereupon he appeared once more. Quickly explaining the position to him, she said: ‘So can you please help me again?’
The little man thought hard. He, too, was very greedy and eventually said: ‘Of course I will, little girl, but only for forty per cent of the profits.’
The girl thought about this, and even though she had no idea how she was going to spirit away forty per cent of the profits, she said: ‘Okay.’
Thus the little man sat down once more at the desk and again did deals with such brilliance that it could only be classed as spinning gold.
‘Oh, thankyou,’ said the girl as the little man disappeared again. Then she phoned the Boss. He was over the moon, but still not satisfied. Rather, he said: ‘Make me even more of a fortune and I’ll marry you.’
The girl wasn’t really sure that she wanted to marry this sleazy, greedy, opinionated control-freak, but not wanting to cause trouble for her father, she popped yet another Prozac and wished so much for the little man to appear again. And just as she wished, he appeared.
‘Oh, little man,’ she said, ‘the Boss wants me to make even more money. What shall I do?’
‘Have no fear, little girl,’ said the even smaller man, ‘I will make more money than anyone has ever done before. But,’ he advised, ‘I want one hundred per cent of the profits.’
This was a bit of a shock to the girl. How could she make the Boss rich if the little man wanted it all? But she could worry about that later. For the moment, she simply said, ‘thankyou,’ and the little man sat down at the desk, juggled the phones, scanned the computer, and made more money than anyone had done before – indeed, he made more money than there was in the world.
‘Oh, thankyou, thankyou,’ said the little girl, ‘but I don’t know how I can give you one hundred per cent of the profits. What shall I give the Boss?’
At first the little man thought ‘well you’re marrying him, aren’t you,’ but actually said to her: ‘I’ll tell you what. I’m going away now, but if, tomorrow, you can tell me what I am, I’ll let you have all the money for the Boss.’
After the little man had gone the girl popped yet another Prozac, thinking that this fast track life was very fast. However, thinking on her feet, she sent some assistants out to bring her every newspaper they could find. Maybe, she reasoned, there would be a hint as to what the little man was in current affairs. But by the time he returned the following day, she was not confident that she could identify him.
‘Are you a commodities speculator?’ she asked.
’I am not,’ said the little man.
‘Then are you a drugs cartel launderer?’ she asked.
’I most certainly am not,’ said the little man.
Which left the girl in a difficult position. Once more she scanned the newspapers, reading report after report until they all seemed to mingle in her head. And it was then that she had a flash of insight.
‘I know,’ she said, ‘you’re New Labour.’
The little man’s face dropped and, found out, he walked out without his profit.
© Anthony North, April 2002
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